How to use a Squat Toilet
By Dave • February 29th, 2008
Once you’re away from home, the toilet conditions range on a sliding scale that covers “interesting”, “disturbing”, “difficult” and “horrifying”. Here’s to deal with the squat toilet, which quite often covers the entire scale at once.
1. It’s all mental. Seriously. You need to get over the fact that this Isn’t A Western Toilet. Manage step one and you’re almost there already.
2. Don’t look down. You don’t want to do this. Squat toilets are generally pretty clean, ceramic ones particularly so. But if you’ve managed to find a pit toilet, looking down will mean you have to do step one all over again.
3. Empty your pockets. This hasn’t happened to us, but I can’t imagine anything worse (in the world) than the soft, hopeless *fplap* of your wallet landing on a four foot high pile of poo. Once something goes in there, it’s not coming out. Ergo, don’t go in with anything you wouldn’t be delighted to get rid of.
4. Take toilet paper. This is not a given anywhere in the world, including England. In China most public toilets require you to judge how much paper you’ll need, before taking it from a communal, wall-mounted dispenser. Over-estimate, is my advice.
5. Wear your shoes. If you need me to tell you this, you’re not ready. You might never be.
6. Don’t touch the floor. It’s normal to need a handhold of some kind; you’re using muscles that don’t normally see action, after all. The floors won’t be clean though, so find something else to take the strain. Try not to fall over.
7. Think socially. The more people using a toilet (particularly the pit kind), the smellier and worse it will be. So try to avoid using it at busy times – around meal times and immediately before bed, for instance. If you’re somewhere very cold (Mongolia was about -25 when we were there), bear in mind that the leavings (sorry) will freeze overnight, which means the smell lessens.
There it is. This is only a beginner’s guide, of course, so feel free to add suggestions if you have any. Keep it, um, clean.
Dave gets excited every time he finds somewhere with a sit-down toilet.
Tags: busy times, china, communal wall, england, handhold, hasn, leavings, Mongolia, muscles, pit toilet, pockets, public toilets, shoes, squat toilets, t touch, toilet paper, wallet
I used to get excited in Thailand when I found a toilet that flushed… pure luxury! Just wait until you find somewhere with handsoap. Stay safe, see you in a few months
Flushing squat toilets are the height of luxury in China. It’s the pit-style thingies that upset me. You can only hold your breath for so long, after all.
That you would consider going to a public toilet without footwear is slightly disturbing.
Oh, and think about the disadvantages of sit-down toilets… especially where lazy men who don’t lift before slashing left, right and - if you’re lucky - centre are concerned.
I’d blame those experiences entirely on drunken pub-goers, but clearly some colleagues are a bit challenged when it comes to pointing their willies. Maybe they like wet feet. Which brings me full circle to my first point.
What you need to do is make some kind of sign. Perhaps one with pictures?
I don’t like the sound of that. Don’t like it one bit. I was warming to your hearty travel tales, but shitting atop another man’s shit is a step too far. We don’t do that in Burgess Hill.
Believe me, I don’t like it either. But it’s either that or a lot of, um, clenching, followed by a horrible visit to the doctor.
And it doesn’t get heartier than shitting onto a pile of frozen poo, let me tell you.
You should see the toilets in Mali! Holding your breath just doesn’t do it.
What I don’t like is the cockroaches climbing out and running over your feet - that is enough to make you fall over, or touch the floor, or miss the hole!
Thankyou for trying to ring us - will talk to you one day.
Eeeeeeeeee that’s a horrible thought. Ah well, off to Thailand tomorrow, where I’m sure there’ll be some eye-opening poopers.