Sorry for the Group Email

“I think maybe we go and beat you now?”

There aren’t many circumstances under which you should say yes to getting beaten by a burly Russian. Still, everyone else had had a go and it would have seemed rude not to. That’s the thing about being English. Something might seem like a terrible idea, but you’ll do it not to appear stand-offish.

And so it was I found myself lying face down on an untouchably-hot sauna bed, while Kostya, our superb and very friendly Irkutsk guide, prepared a pair of beech branches with which to hit me. The idea behind the beech is that it helps with your circulation, which is a Good Thing in a part of the world where the temperature can drop to minus 40.

He readied the beech branches by dipping them in water and giving them a shake over the hot sauna coals. The sound of water instantly evaporating into steam is not one I’ll quickly forget. Then, the remaining boiling water was shaken over my legs and back and then, while I was busy trying to remain calm, the beating started.

I had expected a sharp infliction of pain where the main stick of the branch was, accompanied by lots of tiny little bits of pain where the arterial twigs were, but the result was a pleasant surprise. The thwacking noise belies the amount of pain, and the result is an effective, relaxing full-body massage. So long as he didn’t ask me to…

“Turn over.”

Bad news. I flipped over.

“Take care your twig and berries.”

My what? This was bad. How many massages really need you to protect… yourself?

But, fearing the alternative, I did. This time Kostya went to town, administering thwacking great blows to my legs and chest. I flinched each time the branches came near to my face: it’s suffocating in a sauna, and having anything on your face, let alone wet, boiling branches and leaves, would have been unbearable.

Weirdly, though, it felt nice. It’s truly relaxing, and I only wish I had had one done after we’d been dog-sledding. There aren’t many really relaxing things to do in Russia, apart from a slow and time-consuming game we invented called “Spot the Friendly Russian”, but a decent banya and massage is definitely one of them.

Dave is writing this on the overnight train from Irkutsk to Ulaan Bataar. It’s a bad move, since the train arrives at six the following morning. Does anyone have some Pro Plus?