Sorry for the Group Email

Mass air travel has made the world easier and cheaper to reach. All of our most satisfying journeys were the result of taking the slow route.

There is a ludicrous myth, perpetuated by travellers, that wearing only two layers of socks will keep your feet warm in sub-zero temperatures. They claim that this is because the “warm air circulates around your feet”. This is bollocks. If you’re going out in the snow, wear as many socks as you can before the circulation to your feet is cut off.

A wave and a smile are your best weapons against suspicious strangers. Never under-estimate the power of a grin and a decent handshake.

It doesn’t matter full the hole in the ground is. When you have to go, you have to go.

If you go travelling, take someone with you. They can look after your things, carry the map and stay chipper when it’s five in the morning in Hanoi and all the hotels are closed.

Learn how to say “hello”, “thanks” and “beer” in every country you go to. In certain countries, “no thanks, I don’t want a prostitute,” may also be a beneficial phrase.

Most middle-class Europeans have nothing to complain about.

Long train and bus journeys can be made tolerable with just a few provisions. Good sandwiches, strong vodka, interesting company, and podcasts.

Dog-sledding is terrifying.

There is nothing like coming in from a Siberian winter and discovering you have ice in your beard.

I like whiskey and water, straight martinis, and Russian vodka. Hic.

Elephants are unbelievably painful to ride.

Sometimes you shouldn’t assess risk any more deeply than seeing if other people are doing it and surviving.

Monkeys look human and sweet, but they’d kill you if they could. At the very least they’ll take your food.

Except baby monkeys.

Speedboats on the open sea are a terrible idea.

Some children are curious about tourists, others want their money. Telling between the two is frustrating and often impossible.

Hiring a car is the best way to see a country. And the best way to invalidate your insurance.

Some statistics

The first five months of the journey were, to avoid overstatement, pretty amazing. Some key numbers:

6,849 Approximate number of miles covered in aircraft, according to Daft Logic’s Google Maps Distance Calculator.

11,424 Approximate number of miles covered overland.

2 Scooters hired.

8 Number of lanes on the busiest road we rode on.

£33 average amount of money spent for two people per day, including hotels, food and travel.

6,719 Number of pictures taken since leaving London, not including in-camera deletions.

1,604 Number pictures good enough for printing or uploading to Flickr.

24 Percentage of shots worth keeping.

38 Average number of shots taken per day.

9 Average number of usable shots per day.

22.5 Number of gigabytes occupied by the Pictures folder.

60,000 Approximate number of words written since St Petersburg.

3 Cockroaches killed by us.

8 Cockroaches squeamishly captured in cups and released back into the wild.

1 Cockroaches killed by hotel staff at our insistence.

1 Number of fake driving licenses obtained.

0 Number of times fake license inspected.

1 Number of caves stayed in.

3 Number of rats seen in cave.

1 Number of tour guides woken up to scare off a civet cat in the cave.

0 Number of times we’ll go jungle-hiking again. Ever.

Dave is numbered out. Also, all of those 1,604 shots worth looking at are in a collection on Flickr, should you care to while away a few hours looking at them.